Changing Others’ Opinions

How Can You Think That? You Must Be Crazy!

Consider the hot-button issues of our time: climate change, COVID or now measles vaccinations, the wars in Ukraine and Gaza, the use of the emergency act, deficits and fiscal responsibility, immigration, pro-life vs. pro-choice debates, Black Lives Matter, defunding the police, same-sex marriage, colonialism, the #MeToo movement, and cancel culture and wokeism. Even the traditionally serene game of golf is embroiled in controversy with the breakaway LIV tour. Attempting to change someone’s political beliefs? Good luck!

People hold strong and often conflicting opinions on these issues, shaped by upbringing, core values, and media exposure. The question we often find ourselves asking then is, “How can those people think that? They must be crazy!”

Why you might want to change your communication habits

Most of us think we are good communicators. For that reason, we don’t think it would make sense to invest time or effort in trying to improve our own communication skills. It’s good idea perhaps, for all those “other people who don’t know how to communicate”, but not for me! I’m a “communication rock star”!!

This paper is written to challenge that assumption, encouraging us to see communication skills development as a never-ending work in progress, because you can never be too good at communication and most of us have lots of room for improvement.

I’ve not suddenly become a world authority on communication, but I have extensive experience navigating change under pressure, which has underscored for me just how critical communication skills are. I’ve moved countries three times for work, been promoted, fired, and rehired within a two-week span, and taken over a multinational company where I had to learn a new language to communicate with staff, 95% of whom didn’t speak English.

The communication strategies recommended in this paper are grounded in the insights of respected experts in their field. But they’re also informed by my sometimes-painful personal experiences. Over the last 40 years as a social worker, business leader, and entrepreneur, I’ve made my share of mistakes. I’ve had to adapt to new countries, languages, and cultures, often under difficult circumstances. This paper combines the hard-earned lessons from my own journey with the wisdom of those who have dedicated their careers to mastering the many skills of communication.

It’s important to say in this introduction, that communication is a two-way street. If we are trying to change others’ opinions, we must be equally open to the idea that based on their insights, we are just as open to modifying our own opinion[s].

This thought is well captured in the work of Shirzad Chamine in his book “Positive Intelligence” where he suggests that when there is a difference of opinion with another party, we should always work on the premise that “the other party is at least 10 % correct”.

Treat this paper as a “communication challenge” to benchmark your communication skills against the ideas presented and to then identify the one or two things you might want to work on. Old habits are hard to break, and new ones will require self-awareness, failures and persistent practice before positive lasting results are achieved.

C.S Lewis’s comments, below, remind us how small changes constantly reinforced can bring about transformative rewards.

“Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest, good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of.”

— C.S. Lewis

Part 1: First Look at “The Big Picture”

1.1 Is It Worth It?

Research suggests that in respect to today’s critically important issues we spend 40% of our time trying to sway the minds of others, but our persuasive efforts are only successful three to five percent of the time. Given the effort and success rate entailed amid heated debates and deeply entrenched beliefs, the first question to ask yourself is, “Is it worth it?” Engaging with someone who is truly closed-minded or dogmatic can be a fruitless endeavor, akin to banging your head against a brick wall. Imagine trying to convince a flat-Earth believer of the Earth’s roundness; no matter how compelling your evidence, their steadfast denial renders the effort pointless. Therefore, save your energy for conversations where there is potential for meaningful dialogue and growth.

Consider the example of a staunch anti-vaxxer. Despite overwhelming scientific evidence supporting the safety and efficacy of vaccines, some individuals remain vehemently opposed to them. Their beliefs are often rooted in misinformation and reinforced by echo chambers that dismiss contradictory evidence as part of a conspiracy. Engaging in a debate with such a person can be exhausting and unproductive, as their rigid mindset leaves little room for reconsideration or new information.

Expand your efforts on open-minded individuals. Instead of expending energy on those with inflexible views, focus on individuals who show a willingness to engage in meaningful dialogue. These are people who may not fully agree with you but are open to hearing different perspectives and weighing the evidence objectively. For instance, discussing climate change with someone who is skeptical but curious about the data can lead to a constructive exchange of ideas. They may not fully embrace your viewpoint immediately, but the dialogue can plant seeds of doubt about their current beliefs and encourage further exploration.

Mary Beard was a key player in the suffragette movement in the U.S. helping finally to get women the vote in 1919.

Here she shares why she was such an effective communicator.

“I’m very pleased to think that there are people with whom I agree on some issues and not others. I don’t want a world in which we all agree. I want a world in which people feel that they have the standing and confidence to feel that they can disagree. I’m interested in why people think as they do.”

— Mary Baird

Assess the potential for change. Before entering a conversation about a contentious issue, evaluate whether the person you’re engaging with is likely to be receptive. Look for signs of openness, such as their ability to consider alternative viewpoints, ask thoughtful questions, and acknowledge the complexity of the issue. If these signs are absent, it might be best to redirect your efforts toward more fruitful discussions.

Protect your mental well-being. Engaging in constant, unproductive debates can be mentally and emotionally draining. Recognize the limits of your influence and prioritize your own well-being. Engaging in meaningful conversations with those who are open to change not only conserves your energy but also has a greater potential to create positive impact. This strategic approach ensures that your efforts contribute to constructive dialogue rather than futile arguments.

Be Realistic About Your Role

Acknowledging the enormity and complexity of today's global issues is crucial. Whether it's climate change, geopolitical conflicts, or social justice, these problems are intricate and lack simple solutions. A friend of mine once shared a piece of advice that resonated deeply: "I sleep well at night because I focus on what I can control—my family and my work." While this perspective can provide peace of mind, it doesn't absolve us of our responsibility to be informed and proactive. Mother Teresa's wisdom, "There is no greater crime than to do nothing, because we fear we can only do a little," reminds us that even small changes across a broad spectrum of people can make a big difference.

In summary, while it is important to advocate for your beliefs and engage in discussions about critical issues, it is equally important to recognize when to step back. Focus on conversations that hold the potential for growth and understanding and save your energy for those who are willing to listen and learn. This not only enhances the quality of your interactions but also contributes to a more productive and respectful discourse.

1.2 Apply the Psychology of Facts and Feelings to “lessen the loss of certainty”.

I “stole” this next piece of advice from a useful weekly publication I subscribe to called Farnam Street, in which they referenced the work of Michael McQueen.

McQueen is an award-winning speaker, change strategist and best-selling author who tells us some interesting facts about how the brain works that we need to remember when trying to persuade others. The enquiring mind, he says, loves logic and is both meticulous and nuanced, but takes a lot of energy to use, so we use it far less than one might assume. Our enquiring mind in fact is responsible for only 5 to 10% of our perceptions and judgements. The other 90% happens in what McQueen calls our “instinctive minds” typically associated with tribalism, processing emotions and flight-or-fight reflexes. This means that when we are confronted with information or ideas that threaten our opinions and convictions our neurological instinct is to batten down the hatches and retreat to stubbornness. In these situations, pushing harder in our persuasive efforts will invariably fail.

In these situations, it’s not change we fear most but loss. Loss of pride, dignity or certainty. Therefore, persuasion isn’t about selling the upsides of change as it is about minimizing the loss. We tend to hold onto our opinions because we have invested time, energy and perhaps most importantly our reputation into them. In these circumstances changing our minds can come at too great a cost of dignity and identity. The answer then to improve your chances of success is to “lessen the loss” for the person you are trying to influence.

One of the most effective ways we can do this is by building trust in our “humanness”. Being real, vulnerable and even fallible. Vulnerability tends to be the opposite posture most of us adopt when trying to persuade others.

Shifting gears a little, it’s worth noting that while data provides a solid foundation for decision making, it’s our gut feelings that can sometimes guide us in ways that pure logic cannot. Jeff Bezos, the mastermind behind Amazon, has famously stated that his best decisions were driven by intuition, despite the data-centric nature of his business. It's a delicate dance between head and heart, where both must harmonize to lead us to the best outcomes.

1.3 Protect Yourself from Fake News and Disinformation

In an era dominated by information overload, discerning fact from fiction is more critical than ever. Artificial Intelligence has become a valuable ally in this battle, offering tools to fact-check and present balanced perspectives. Relying on trusted sources like the BBC, The New York Times, and The Globe and Mail can help balance biases. Fact-checking through reputable websites such as Snopes, FactCheck.org, and PolitiFact further shields us from misinformation. Cross-referencing multiple sources, checking original contexts, and evaluating the credibility of publications are all essential steps in navigating today's complex information landscape.

1.4 Become More Self-Aware – Use Assessments

Understanding your communication style and how it differs from others can significantly enhance interactions. Tools like the DISC assessment, which I’ve used consistently over the last 20 years, have about an 85 % accuracy, provide particularly useful insights into these differences, allowing you to adapt and connect more effectively. This principle, known as "mirroring," is based on the idea that people are more likely to trust those who resemble themselves. Adjusting your language, tone, body language, decision-making speed, and even humor can create a more harmonious exchange. Reflecting on personal experiences, such as my early career exposure to the Kostick profile, revealed tendencies like my "aggressively defensive" nature, when feeling under attack, have helped me manage and improve my responses over time. Still a “work in progress” but getting better!

1.5 Be Aware of Your Own Cognitive Bias

Cognitive biases shape our perceptions, often leading us to seek information that confirms our pre-existing beliefs. This can blind us to alternative viewpoints and create echo chambers. To counter this, maintaining an open mind and embracing ambivalence on complex issues is crucial. Opinions need not be black and white; they can exist in a nuanced spectrum.

1.6 Check the Context Before You Judge

Judging others based on isolated incidents can lead to unfair conclusions. Understanding the broader context, much like historians who consider the times in which historical figures lived, can provide a more balanced perspective. For example, Winston Churchill's racial slurs about Gandhi, while unacceptable today, must be viewed within the context of his era to understand his actions fully.

1.7 Start Teaching Communication Skills at an Early Age and Never Stop Learning

I’m always surprised and think it astonishing that fundamental communication skills are often neglected in early education. Assumptions that adults will naturally acquire these skills lead to preventable issues like marital breakdowns and workplace conflicts. Communication training should start early and continue throughout life, evolving from basic skills to advanced techniques like negotiation and managing crucial conversations. As Michelangelo aptly put it, "Ancora imparo" – "I am still learning." This lifelong commitment to learning, particularly in communication, is essential for personal and professional growth.

1.8 Be Prepared! – Do Your Homework

I’m always surprised at the lack of curiosity people generally show before they are to meet someone, especially salespeople before meeting new prospects. Preparation is the cornerstone of effective communication and negotiation. Successful outcomes often stem from thoughtful preparation, which includes understanding your audience, anticipating questions, and devising strategies. Emotional control during interactions, especially when provoked, is also vital. Curiosity and diligence, such as researching a potential client's background, can help set the stage for productive discussions.

1.9 Reciprocity, or a lack thereof, can either harm or hinder your communication effectiveness

In closing this first section on communication, it’s worth reflecting on the power of reciprocity in either enhancing or damaging our communication with others. It’s a good reminder that if you want to change the negative way in which someone is communicating with you, rather than wishing and hoping that they change, your best results come from you first changing your own behaviour. Sometimes this simply means becoming less judgemental and becoming more empathetic about the other person.

These thoughts are from The *Updated* Great Mental Models v2: Physics, Chemistry, and Biology are a great reminder of the power of reciprocity in building any meaningful relationship.

"Reciprocity underlies everything from basic human kindness to the most complex trade systems. At its core, reciprocity is the simple idea of treating others as they treat us—giving what we get. From this simple principle grows a vast web of social interactions and expectations that shapes nearly every aspect of our lives.

Many people seem to expect the world to hand them things without effort. This is a poor strategy because it doesn’t align with the human behavior you can observe around you every day. Reciprocation teaches us that if you give people cynicism and curtness or nothing at all, you are likely to receive the same. But if you give people an opportunity and the benefit of the doubt, you will often be on the receiving end of the same behavior.

Become what you want to see in the world, and the world will return it to you. If you want an amazing relationship with your partner, be an amazing partner. If you want people to be thoughtful and kind to you, be thoughtful and kind to them. If you want people to listen to you, listen to them. The best way to achieve success is to deserve success. Small changes in your actions change your entire world.

One of the biggest misperceptions about reciprocity is that people should sit around waiting for others to go first rather than unlocking the power of reciprocity in their favor by going positive and going first without expectation.

Reciprocity reminds us that our actions tend to come back on us. It’s an important reminder that we are part of the world, and thus our actions do not happen in isolation but are instead part of an interconnected web of effects.”

Final Thoughts

First, congratulations if you’ve had the patience to have gotten to the end of this paper. Most people I suspect, in this hyper connected world, will probably not have gotten that far!

This paper is the first in a series of 7 on better communication. The intent, with input from friends like you, is to be able to “expand the pool of meaning “about the best ways we can learn to communicate with each other. “How are YOU going to apply this thinking to your actions? Let me know!”??

Sections to Follow:

• Part 2 - Trust, Empathy and Active Listening – The 3 Essential Building Blocks of Effective Communication

• Part 3 - Fourteen Little Things – To Build On Your Core Communication Skills

• Part 4 - Communication skills in the workplace

• Part 5 – Team Communication Skills

• Part 6 - Core Selling Techniques That Can Help Your Communication

• Part 7 - Crucial Conversations – Master Skills in Communication

Recommended Reading

• Crucial Conversations – Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler

• The Trusted Advisor – David H. Maister, Charles Green & Robert Galford

• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Stephen Covey

• You can’t teach a child to ride a bicycle at a seminar – David Sandler

• The Power of Habit – Charles Duhigg

• Positive Intelligence – Shirzad Chamine

• The Essential Peter Drucker – Peter F. Drucker

• To Sell is Human – Daniel Pink

• Getting to Yes – Roger Fisher and William Ury